Bad Friday: The True Meaning of Easter

Do you have a moment to talk about JESUS ?

Everyone's heard of Easter. Everyone's heard of bunnies. But how many people have actually heard of tHE BIBLE???? 

Studies show that only 100% of the people surveyed had ever even heard of Christianity. So, for all of you ignoramuses out there, here is an excerpt from the holy book itself, to give you a little crash course in the origins of Easter.

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Ages ago, like 40 years ago, there was a guy called Jesus. Instead of getting a job like a normal 33 year old, Jesus spent most of his time spitting in the eyes of blind people and hanging out with his 12 friends. That's why Jesus had to live at home with his mum, Mary, and his dad, Morgan Freeman. 

Jesus hated fig trees so much. And his best friend was Judas Iscariot. They would do everything together; praying at the temple, washing the feet of prostitutes, and some freaky cult sh*t like drinking each other's blood. 

But one day their friendship took a rocky turn when Jesus tried to steal Judas' girlfriend, Mary Mandarin. Judas was so mad!!! He had Jesus crucified so that he would never do it again. 

Jesus was on the cross for 40 days and 40 nights. Then he was buried in a cave. Everyone thought Jesus was dead, but he was faking it!!!!!!!! !!!!! He was alive!!!!!! He came out of his cave after 3 days and went to find Mary Mandarin to profess his undying love. 

But when he saw Judas and Mary Mandarin together, and how happy they were, he knew that he could never be with her. And he died for real this time - of a broken heart. 

The End

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But so many people seem to forget this. In their minds, Good Friday and Easter Sunday are not the days that Jesus fake died and real died, respectively, but instead a day of eating chocolate and spending time with their loved ones.

IMHO it's pretty f*cked up that Jesus lovers worldwide celebrate his heartbreak and subsequent death by doing the very thing Jesus was never able to do; eat chocolate eggs. 

And I don't wanna get into Christmas but usually on someone's birthday THEY are the one who gets presents????? Not literally everyone else. 

If Jesus were alive today, I'm pretty sure he would be livid at the state of modern society. On top of which, when was the last time anyone actually gathered together to pray for and remember Jesus? 

I'm no expert. I only know everything about The Bible. And I know Jesus would not be cool with the fact that his birth and death now mark the dates for some of the biggest consumerist holidays.  

Jesus was cremated when he died, and the place his ashes were scattered is now the site of Disneyland Paris.