How to achieve success and other such life advice

When my family used to go on long car trips together, my dad would make us listen to a book on tape. This book was called 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad.' At the beginning of the tape the narrator explains that this is the story of his two dads and their differing financial situations. Now, these were not two gay dads. This was not an awesome story about one family's battle against discrimination and adversity. Instead, it was a boring story about a young boy who had a poor dad, but his friend had a rich dad, and this rich dad taught the boy all about how to own a business and rake in the cash and whatnot. 

What did I learn from the entire debacle? Nothing. And yet, somehow I have still managed to end up living the high life; employed and rapidly climbing the corporate ladder (in my head). So, in order to help out all those less successful than myself, I have decided to compile a list of tips to help everyone be just like rich dad. 

1. Dress the part.
The age-old adage 'dress to impress' is an important one to follow once you are attending business meetings with international skype calls to the head office in South Korea. The ideal workplace attire would be something like David Bowie meets Macklemore, but it is difficult for me to emulate this personally, because I only own two pairs of pants. So instead I just try to wear neutral tones, and always keep my fingernails trimmed even though it has always been my dream to grow them long enough that I can file them into claws and then take off into the night sky. My hair is another story. Much like Miley Cyrus, my hair can't be tamed. It is as wild as the rugrats were in 'Rugrats go Wild' and every time I try to tie it up I miss enough of the back that I'm pretty much walking around with a jedi plait. For some reason no one ever notifies me about this so it is never until I get home hours later that I realise I have spent all day in the public eye as Obi Wan. 

Me (pictured above) attending a job interview

2. A firm handshake is a superior handshake. 
A fundamental part of employment is asserting your dominance in a business-type scenario. How better to do this than in the ¿handshake?: a widely performed gesture in the working world. It is a rule of the handshake that whoever comes out of it with a still functional hand is the winner, so grip that hand like you are Jack and Rose gripping the bow of the Titanic. If you don't feel their bones being crushed into a fine powder in your grip then you are not clasping tight enough. 

3. Retain your individuality.
The workforce is a cruel place that takes happy-go-lucky free spirited people and changes them into mindless drones. Mostly, we don't even notice that we have forgotten who we are until Mufasa appears in the clouds and tells us. So, look for anything that will keep you unique. Perhaps carry around an ear trumpet, or keep a framed photo of Yoko Ono on your desk. However, if you are born in September be sure to keep that quiet because September is the least unique month. Probably upwards of 90% of the world's population was born in September. A number of years ago I asked my mum why this was. Her response? "It's nine months after new years, if you know what I mean ;)." It was so awkward I never spoke to her again. 

In summary, no one needs to waste hours of their life listening to Rich Dad, Poor Dad. That is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. Instead, keep these wise words in mind: Life is like monopoly. There are banks, there are houses, there are thimbles. However, unlike monopoly, life is not a game. Unless we are talking about the Game of Life because that is a game.