Tale as Old as Time: The Mercilessness of Time and the Tragedy of Ageing

Have you ever wondered why there are such high rates of elder abuse at rest homes, but the rates of child abuse at the same rest homes are much lower? Or do you wonder why the enchanted mirror said Snow White was the fairest of them all even though Charlize Theron is a perfect 10? I'm sad to report that we,, as a society,, live in a society.

A society that  h a t e s  old people.

And I'm not just talking about people over the age of 100 here. Society's ageism applies to anyone who no longer fits into the youthful ideals of physical beauty. But ageism doesn't stop there. This situation is more similar to the Two-Pronged Attack Yu-Gi-Oh card than it is to literally anything else. Ageism is far more apparent for women than it is for men, which creates something of an ageism-sexism axis. 'Sexageism', or 'agesexism': two terms that I just now made up, pretty much describe the unfortunate fate of any woman who;

a) dares to be born, and:

b) has the n e r v e to grow older than age 35

I feel like I am exactly the perfect person to write about this. As a woman, I know what it is like to be a woman. And as a 24 year old, I know basically everything else. 

Studies show* that the older a person becomes, the less beautiful they are perceived by people in all age brackets. This is pretty aptly demonstrated in James Cameron's famous mockumentary, Titanic, where Rose, a beautiful young fire-starter, tragically ages 84 years, while in typical patriarchal form, the male character of the movie never ages, and stays young and beautiful (albeit dead) forever. In the distressing conclusion of the movie it is revealed that we, the viewers, were the old lady from Titanic all along. 

When I turned 24 I had the peculiar feeling that I was slightly older than I was when I was 23.  I got scared. I felt like Benjamin Button in reverse. I knew the end was nigh for me so I went straight to the Countdown skincare section and bought one of everything. I was determined to stay young. I wanted to be the real life Peter Pan. I refused to give the haters what I knew they wanted most of all: The opportunity to target me with their sexist, ageist ideologies, and cast me to the fringes of society, where I would live out the rest of my days knitting scarves to cover my hideous, ageing face. 

But in my quest to be forever young I had a realisation. In my efforts to evade the pressures of society, I had unwittingly done the very thing that society had been pressuring me to do. Somehow, by attempting to defy societal expectations, I had fully conformed to those expectations. I had been buying into --literally 'buying': skincare ain't cheap :''''( --  the idea that there is something wrong with the natural process of getting older. Is it possible that to truly disregard society, and oppose the ageism, I should instead embrace my ageing? Nobody knows!!!. But it takes an empowered woman to throw caution into the river, and age gracefully. And at the young and impressionable age I am at currently, I am just not ready to brave the callous world without multi-active anti-ageing facial serum. So for the next 10 years you can find me in the Countdown skincare section, crying into a face mask  :''''''''(

*probably

Why Must I Suffer in Endless and Unrelenting Torment Until I Eventually Die and Other Tales

Me @ My Childhood

Chapter 1. Why Was I Born?

At my previous job, about 5 months ago, I was standing at the bathroom sink: mentally preparing to go to the interview for my current job and attempting to brush my teeth with a wet wipe. Then, all at once, with the violent abruptness of a piano falling from the top of a 15 storey high-rise, I was wholly consumed with feelings of unadulterated misery and emotional disquiet.

"Jobs", or as I call them: ''Carpet-weavers, Morocco' imagined'  are something of a double edged sword. Yes, you need them in order to get that $cash money$, but seriously: at. what. cost.?

Trading in my precious youth at a job I hate just to make enough money to put food on the table for my future illegitimate child so that they can grow up to get their own job that they hate ???? It is a literal nightmare of unyielding proportions. 

Worse than the job itself, though, is the job interview - a shameless charade in which one must convince someone that they want to be hired for a job that they don't even want. Never do I feel more like I am selling my soul to 'The Man' than when I am citing my attention to detail and unabating dedication to the menial. It is a ceaseless cycle of despair, and one that I will be trapped in until my best years are behind me, and I'm more ""Grandmother Willow"" than I am ""Little Mermaid"". 

And so, at that moment, standing in that bathroom, I was struck by the question: truly, what is this hellish thing we call existence, and w h y must I be a part of it?

Chapter 2. Reflection

Sometimes, I reflect on my childhood: a joyous time when my future seemed as bright as the blinding white light of the sun - kind of like when you accidentally open the lid of a photocopier when it is still mid-scan and go blind for 6 minutes. A time when my life lay before me as a series of endless pathways, so plentiful were my opportunities, that I was afraid to choose one for the fear of choosing wrong. The world was my lobster back then, and I thought that was how it would always be. 

Tragically, however; time is a cruel and unforgiving mistress and I am her subservient whore. Gone are the naive plans and idealistic ambitions of my youth, buried forever in the field of dead hopes and dreams. 

I can only assume that I have done nothing wrong and that this is all entirely the fault of society. I recently read Frankenstein and discovered that the true monster was humanity all along. (But also Frankenstein's literal monster who was killing the townspeople and stealing huskies and etc.).

As much as all of this makes me want to revert to a pre-verbal level and live out my days in the hospital from Girl, Interrupted I feel that I must persevere. But only because I know that is what Julie Andrews would tell me to do.

So I sit at my desk, day after day, and stare out the window, fantasizing about the day when technology has advanced such that I can build a robot who is indistinguishable from myself and has no capacity to understand slave labour laws. She will masquerade as me at my job by day, and be my sex slave by night, and this will finally afford me enough time for leisure activities like reading gardening magazines in the sunshine (or something??). 

But until that day I have to go to my job myself, like a chump....... 

Where Are They Now: Vhol Interview 2.0

Adoration of the Magi (The Epiphany), Hieronymus Bosch c. 1485 - 1500

Close to 3 years ago, I interviewed a young man; he was a prodigy, a vanguard, the voice of his generation. Shortly thereafter, I interviewed my friend Vhol!!! If you would like to see this interview, you can click here !

Seasons change: leaves fall off trees, the ocean becomes low tide, and people also change, like when Kanye went b l o n d e. And Vhol? He probably changed too, even if he still has the exact same hideous sandals 3 years later.

So where is he now and who is he now? Read on to see the pressing questions that will again give us an invaluable insight to the man behind the Vhol circa 2017.

1. Never be able to watch cricket again, or never be able to make an Excel spreadsheet again?

I've gotta think about this one... I think... never be able to make a spreadsheet again because I could write them down in a book... like one of those maths books with all the grids. Man that's really tough though. That's ruthless. But yeah, I love cricket. Man.

2. Would you rather live 100 years in the future or 1000 years in the future?

To be honest I reckon 100 years in the future is gonna be pretty average and I don't hold much hope for 1000 years in the future either, but I kinda wanna go there to see how crazy it is, so I'd choose 1000 years.

3. Would you f*ck Hillary Clinton and why / why not?

Um... is this assuming that I'm not dating Elizabeth? [Yes]. Can you make sure you include that disclaimer? Okay... no. No i wouldn't. I don't have any desire to sleep with Hillary Clinton. I'd rather sleep with Prince Charles, ahaha! Love that guy. 

4. Shoot, shag, marry: Hitler, Donald Trump, KimDotCom ?

I have to shoot Hitler out of principle. But that means I have to have sex with either Donald Trump or KimDotCom!!! ...This could be a crazy call, but maybe I'll actually marry Hitler, because as his attractive and manipulative wife I could change the course of history. Then I would shag KimDotCom and shoot Donald Trump.

6.  What is one thing you would take with you to a deserted island?

Maybe a rugby ball, and then it could be like Castaway 2 and I could call him Gilbert... hahaha coz it's a rugby ball brand!! Instead of Wilson like Tom Hanks!! And I love kicking rugby balls, its super fun. And then when I get saved I could come back and be the best goal kicker in the world. 

7. What is the angriest you've ever been and why / why not?

One time when I was about 7 I got really angry at my parents and I went into my room and I was so angry I tried to lift up my dressing table and I slammed my fist down on a toy car hoping that I would get super-saiyan strength. I hoped that I was going to turn super-saiyan. I was pretty mad then. 

8. Have you ever considered cloning yourself and keeping the clone as a sex slave and why / why not?

I've never considered it but now I am. No, that's so disturbing, I definitely wouldn't do that. It would be cool to just have my clone around, but I wouldn't keep it as a sex slave. If we loved each other it would happen naturally. 

9. What if your clone consented to being a sex slave tho ?

You read my mind!... No! Would you clone yourself and use it as a sex slave? [Yeah, maybe]. Are you writing that down? [Yes]. Do you want to clone me and use my clone as a sex slave? [No]. What's wrong with m e ??